the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
