I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
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I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
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I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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