Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
