so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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