I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
They are going to name an STD after you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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