My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i drank out of a bidet.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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