He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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