i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
