Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
