i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
