im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
