I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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