I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
