Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
