Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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