i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
