Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
