I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
