He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
