Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish they made helmets for livers.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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