Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
