Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
