My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
