We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
