i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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