I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
