why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
