guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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