It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
