Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
