Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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