So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
