Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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