I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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