Joe is yelling at the trees again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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