Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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