I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Sorry about my life...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
