Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
