Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
