His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
