Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
