Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
