just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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