my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha