1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?