Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
