Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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