I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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