The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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