i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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