How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
