I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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