i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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