My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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