shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
