I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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