I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
