I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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