end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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