Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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