i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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