I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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