Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
