im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
